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strong trigger warning. are my feeling here valid?

this has stong wording and sexual assult and all types off abuse. please consider your mental health before reading thank you. all names in hear have been changed for the safety off all involved. i am about to go no contact with my mother for the abuse i have suffer at her hand but first i want to tell everyone what happened and how i feel. can you please tell me if i am being to harsh?

This has been one of the hardest posts I have ever had to make. I ask that you read everything before you reply. Please hear me out then you can say what you want but I want it known I have people who will be watching, all private messages will be screenshot, posted publicly and it is there that I will reply. So, you might as well just post your comment below and do not even try private messaging me if it is not supportive for what I have to say. Also, even supportive messages will be posted, no one here is special or discriminated against. This is about exposing my abuser and nothing more.
Ok let us get started. You once asked me what I had to be depressed about when I told you I was struggling. I hope this answers your question, but I do not think it will. You have stated that I was faking disabilities that I had not even heard of before I was even diagnosed with, you have made fun of a small child for being scared of a hallucination. I now know this is common for children with complex PTSD, imagine that.Overall, the point is you have disregarded my mental illness and believed my main abuser over me but let us move on.
I know this will not change your mind, that would take you recognising your narcissistic, toxic behaviour and that, honestly it is more likely that the gods would walk on this earth again than you admitting your behaviour. You have out rightly told me you have a diagnosis of bipolar type one. Funny thing about that, bipolar is enough to get you disability if you seek treatment but you wont and then you go off at me for seeking treatment for the disorders that i can place at your door. You go off at me for being on disability because i went and got help, but your mentile health is worse then mine and you still wont seek help. Seeking help would fix everything but you just wont and then you put that frustration on me.
You will read this, and you will not even know it is about you if I had not made it so very obvious by now, I know you know who this is about. I know you will not see why this is wrong. I am ok with that. You do not confront a bully because you think it will change their mind. You do it because they deserve to be called out, and you my dear deserve this more than most. I am not doing this for an apology. I am doing this for me to release you and to tell you I deserved better then what you did to me.
Underneath are a list of charges I lay at your feet. I want it known I did not want to do this; I have tried getting along with you, but I am over your smear campaign I am over the emotional blackmail, I’m over the abuse.
Point 1. how a loving mother acts when their child's life is indangour.
I would like to start this with one day about six months after I was born, you and the man you would proceed to have one more child with got into a fight and he threw me, A SIX MONTHS OLD INFANT onto the bed. You seem to think that because you were not the one to do the act you were not in the wrong here, but here is the thing. If you care for your kid and your partner puts that child in danger ONCE you leave.
NO, there is no excuse for staying, I do not care if you “loved” him, he threw your 6-month baby on a bed, at that point your child’s life is in danger, you leave.
Let us continue on shall we to the fact that even though YOU had escaped him, and you knew what he was capable of you continued to let him have unsupervised visits with me. I am sorry but if I have seen that my partner is in any way capable of aggression towards my kids, I am not leaving him alone with them. But you did. You insisted to not take away HIS rights, well what about mine? The minute I said I did not want to go with him, that should have been it. you should not have let him pressure me into going with him.
But let us be honest here shall we, we are placing way too much blame on Adam because you could be just as bad. I can only speak for me of course but I don’t remember you sober except when you were doing your HSC and even then I don’t think you were as “sober” as you wanted us all to believe.
Point 2. theft
You stole a 1000 dollars from me when i got compensation for the sexual abuse i suffered. I told you i did not want to go for compensation.I told you It made me feel like I was being paid for my assault, what did you do? You pushed me AGAINST MY WILL to go for compo even though i told you I DID NOT WANT IT! You did not think about how going over something so traumatic would make the whole thing worse, you just thought of the money, money i did not want. When i got it you asked to borrow a 1000 dollars and you would pay it back. i told you point black i needed it before my birthday because i was going to use it to give myself the best 21 ever. That never happened, in fact you said grandmother told you to keep the money and if you did pay it back she would disown you. Well now both your children want nothing to do with you, how does that feel? Also if what you said is true and grandmother did say this (which i don't think she did.) she can go get fucked too. You do not steal from your mentailly ill 20 year old child- you did.
Also dont try the, “i spent 1000s on you”, im your FUCKING CHILD. I did not ask to be born, i did not want to be born, I hate life. The only reason i'm not dead is the guilt you put in me for thinking i don't deserve to feel the way i do and killing myself would be “selfish”. So no you don't get to say that. You were selfish enough to want me, you spread your legs and you decided to keep me when you found out. That was your choice, take some fucking responsablity and stop trying to blame your kids for your shitty life choices. Giving us life in this climat and the climat back then wasnt a gift as you like to say, it was a fucking curse.
Point 3. what a loving mother does not do.
A loving mother does not say
“I don’t hate you, I hate your personality”
Glad you cleared that up mum when you said, “I hate you”.
“I love you, I just don’t like you right now.” I mean it’s not like
I wasn’t already being bullied at school on a daily basis, being told at school by the student body how much they hated me and when I moved schools because off my awkward and antisocial ways I was completely ostracised and I didn’t need love and support from you. (sarcasm)
On that note loving mothers do not deny their child physical affection when they are the only ones, they can get it from. No, I do not care what your excuse is. I do not care that is how your mum treated you, you always prided yourself on being the better parent well you were not you were an abusive bitch deal with it.
You do not hit or choke a bullied child because they do not want to go to the place where they have no friends and nothing to do on the best days and on the worst their life was in danger, I’m not even blowing this up they threw pieces of paper that were on fire at me.
I begged you to home-school me, but you wouldn’t and why? Because you didn’t know it was an option- if you cared you would have found out, you just didn’t want to be responsible for your disabled daughter’s education because you were disappointed in me for being dyslexic because heaven forbid your child not be good at English.
Point 4 how to get children to like each other.
You made me believe I was responsible for my sister protection. Every bit of resentment we held and still hold for each other would not be there if it had not been for the toxic behaviour you encouraged on both our sides. You should have separated us; you should have admitted you could not handle me. You should have let me go, but heaven forbid your ego take a hit.
Part 5. Child rasing
A good mother does not dump a 1 year old on an 11-year-old and a 9-year-old, you did. To the point that said child called me and the 9 year old mum. I had people at the shops thinking this child was mine. You were the adult, you should off been the one washing, feeding, taking care off him and yet you werent, we were.
Part 6. fertility
A loving mother doesn’t turn around to their clearly hurting and grieving child who is reaching out about pain they feel about their sister being able to do something they can’t and I quote- “it’s a good thing you can’t have children, because you wouldn’t make a good mother anyway”.
I am sorry, what? Who are you to say that to me? Maybe I should call aunty k give her a nice long list off how you have handled my miscarriages. “Oh but i understand i lost a child once” you had one miscarrgie that you only ever mentioned to down play my hurt at leaning i cant have kids. The only person in this family who has any right to say anything about my fertility problems is the only person in the family who could possibly understand at all and that person isnt you. Its aunty k.
I wanted children, i wanted a family. A big one. I want 10 kids and 8 dogs and a white picket fance. Im not going to get that naturally- witch cool i have no problem with adoption and if me and my partner ever decided we wanted a child that is probably the way we would go- BUT you want to tell me that my adopted child wouldnt be as LOVED that my FAMILY wouldnt be as real because i adopted. If you really believe that, why did you give up scott? I mean if you cared and loved your child - witch you have said you did, thats why you gave him up your words- why would you give him to someone if you believed they were incapable off loving that child as their own? You are a horrible human being who has fostered jealousy on more then one occasion between me and my sisters because they are physically healthy and abiled body and i am not.
If you honestly think i dont love my younger siblings nephews neices or any child of the people i love have with all i my heart or you think that i could love a child more because it come from my twat then you have no idea who the fuck i am. I dont even feel like i have the right to reach out and interact with my sibling children because im almost positive they hate me and honestly that can be placed with you too, and i dont blame them. Because you wouldn't be a parent i had to be the bitch. The one saying no. the one stopping shit that could hurt them. i was the only one trying to protect them. I saw where they were headed and tried to stop it. you were drunk.that should have been you. I love my siblings and could not be prouder off any off them but do not try to take responsibility for how we turned out, that wasn't you. That was us.
Also do not try to pin this on aunty d, she is a sweet kind woman who is shy and doesn't know how to assert herself. She gave up the wine, she showed unconditional love and support. The worst thing that woman has ever done to me is when i came out she told me she thought my sexuality was just a “phase” and I'd grow out of it. I didn't but that's ok, she also told me that day that she would love me no matter what and has never not done that.
If you want someone you can drag into your snake pitt take p his treatment off me compared to his own fucking kids was messed up. How was i the fucking favourt when i wasnt his god dam kid- and dont say i wasnt we all know i was.
Part 7. Traumatic situations.
Moving on to ten when my favourite uncle held us hostage. Did you know I saw that knife held to your neck while looking over the banister? I did. I saw my favourite uncle hold a knife to your neck and new me and my sister needed to get out which is why when you came up, I was trying to get my sister to leave. That is why I said the tree. You made the whole thing about you, it was all you. Me and my sister, we weren't traumatized, i didn't just lose the one person i felt like i had a connection to. No, the only person who mattered was you. To the point that when i broke down i was told i had to “stop crying” because YOU need me, a ten year old child, to be strong enough to handle YOUR truma. Thats not how that works.
Part 8. How to handle your child be sexually assaulted
How about 12? How about when the ongoing sexual harassment and inappropriate comments [grooming let us be honest} by my MOTHERS partner at the time was doing {that both me and my siblings had warned her about it and that we were uncomfortable. I am not protecting you anymore, you knew how we felt.} ended with him sexually assaulting me and another girl. {for her privacy I will not name her, but she knows who she is. If she wants to confront you that is on her.} while he was babysitting and why was he babysitting? Because you wanted to go out partying and do not say “oh well you said it was fine” I was 12 what else would I say?
Also after that you proceed to tell me about your sexual assault and that you had it so much worse. You said this while drunk and did not remember. You were in your 20s when you were assaulted, I WAS A CHILD! I was even a child the first time I was raped. You are not special, you want help see a doctor stop putting it on me and my siblings- also get some help your not ok, you have never been ok, the fact you put this on a CHILD proves your not ok. You have told me so much shit when drunk to discredited my assaults i don't even know if what you said was true anymore but ill give you the benefit and say it is. In witch case you are not coping you are an abusive alcoholic who doesn't even see the damage they're doing around them. Get help.
I have a massive problem with understanding what is and isn't appropriate to say now, i don't understand social situations. That was your fault. Your the one who didnt teach me what is and isnt appropriate in sexual situations. Im reteaching myself this, i use to think this is because off how open everyone was, aunty j aunty k ec, but its not. That should off tought me body confidence and kindness not an inability to decipher when im making someone uncomfortable with sexual comments. You made the talk off sex so common that now the idea off people being uncomfortable with it is confusing to me. That should off been part of the conversation, why wasnt it?
Part 9 how to deal with bullying
Under all of this is the ongoing systematic bullying that went from kindy till year 10, why did it go on for so long? Because when you were given the option to move me to another district in year 6 you kept us in the same town because you did not want to separate my sister from her friends. If you had put me first for once I would never have hurt. I am going to leave this hear but you know you did more, and I have no problem airing all your dirty laundry mother.
So, what is the result of what is clearly intense abuse you may ask?
  1. I have DID
under this post or maybe above will be another post naming off my alters and explain what DID is and how it affects me, but for those wondering I have 8 main personalities 1 who has not made themselves none and two “sleeping”.
  1. Anorexia and bulimia and honestly, I do not blame anyone I went to school with but how did me vomiting after lunch every day not tip anyone off? How did me starving myself never get caught? Honest question. I mean i know you all didnt like me in school, but did no one see how much i was hurting? I needed help. Why did no one offer?
  2. PTSD, what do I say here? If you think you could get through what I went through, good luck.
  3. Bipolar schizoaffective disorder- it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, so I do not know what you want from me.
You have bullied and belittled me for my weight. You have put your own traumatic past on me when I was a minor and asking for help. It is not my job to get you through your trauma, I am your child, not your sister. YOU should be fixing mine. You should have been taking care of me loving me, instead you treated me like your own personal shrink and then got angry when I was hurt at you cutting me out after aunty k died. I never should have thought my job was to comfort you, your job was to comfort me.
Considering you cannot seem to understand the concept that you might be in the wrong. You even decided to out my sexuality to the family and were actively betting on my sexuality-that is not normal, that is not ok, that is not accepting. - you did this even though you knew we have a cousin who is like me and who was kicked from the family.
HOW DARE YOU!
You even raised me knowing that no one, not even me, can connect with this family member because you all kicked him so fair from the family no one has heard from him since before i was born. YOU STILL THOUGHT YOU HAD THE RIGHT TO OUT ME! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. even if none off this was true it was my choice when, if or how i came out to my family, you took that away from me. That alone is enough for me to disown you. I had been fucking careful once i had grandma on my page. Yes i am big in lgbtq rights but i didnt start saying online that i was queer till you took that right away.
So, as we no longer have the right to come out how we want this is our coming out. we have DID as such I am not a girl or a boy, we have both male and female alters in our system. Our system's name is starlight. We are not one person. We as a whole identify as non-binary. Our sexuality is pansexual-demiromantic.
My name is not Madison, I only went by that because I didn’t want to try to get people to call me by my preferred name, I tried that I asked you to call me star, you couldn’t respect that because I chose it myself and nicknames can’t be “chosen” so you have called me by a completely different name to what mine actually is.
So just that we are clear
My name is (Insert name here)
My pronouns are he/him
I have 7 other active alters with their own gender and sexuality. You do not need to remember them all; we are happy with they/them as there is
more than one of us.
Also, you have meet my alters you just do not know me well enough
to tell the differences.
So what can we gather from all this?
You were an abusive person, i didnt blame you for my childhood before but i do now. You are completely responsible for my shitty childhood.if you had been a responsable sobor adult none of this would of happen. You took away my freedom and left me with the only choice of “do what YOU want” with me having no right to my own life or die. That's not a choice, that's the illusion of choice and you even took that away from me when uncle todd died, you told me what he did was selfish, you said killing myself was selfish. You took away my only way out and still dont see how you were wrong. After that you TRIED to take your life too, like shit your the biggest hypocrite i know.
You will never be left along with my CHILD, hell you will be lucky if you even know if i give birth. This is me saing im going no contact if you couldnt tell by now. Stay the fuck out off my life and anyone who wants to justifie or support her abuse ass can see them self out.
If you want my forgiveness you can start by returning the money you stole and issuing a public apology admitting to the shit i didnt say to prove you understand you are in the wrong. Keep in mind i have no issue handing the phone i have into the police and leaving you to deal with it if you in anyway attack me for this post. If you apologise i might for give you, if you chose to leave me the fuck alone the money will be in once a month. if you attack me, call me consistently or call me a lier and refuse to take responsibility for your actions i will just stop paying the bill and hand it too the police, i dont need it, i will survive with out it. you will not be able to pay the bill. Chose what you want to do.

thank you for reading this any advice would be grate.
submitted by lilylightfang to survivorsofabuse [link] [comments]

A lengthy response to essenceofthought's video: "ContraPoints Is Making The Left More Toxic, Not Less - A Non-Binary Conclusion" -- PART 1

note that this is so big I will probably end up editing it just to fix mistakes in using reddit's markdown. I can only beg your trust that I'm not doing anything shady.

Tardyness

This is about the fourth time I've tried to get through this video. Formally I've only watched less than 9 minutes. First, because I really disliked how much I had to say about that much alone. I didn't like a punch in the gut I felt. Second, I felt I had to get through a real review of Natalie's Cancelling. Third, an uproarious thread on breadtube about Graham Linehan aka glinner threatening to sue EoT over his video exposing glinner for wanting to eradicate trans children. I finally got through all that Sunday night, and now I have chance to start this review.

Title (and thesis?) of EoT's video

ContraPoints Is Making The Left More Toxic, Not Less - A Non-Binary Conclusion
Pure reaction: Hard no, says I. Paying attention to the controversy surrounding Vaush, and the fact that Lily Orchard has a following, PigPuncher's shitty video on EoT themselves, and the self-hating army of Blaire White who like to inject themselves into all other trans people's business, I just cannot say there's anything Natalie has done that's special. This sphere of left-twitter and left-tube would be inundated with the same nastiness whether Opulence happened or not.

The Road Bump

The following between the lines is largely copied from my Cancelling review.
First, EoT says that Natalie is only talking about post-Opulence backlash, and thus accuses her of lying about a timeline on some tweets. They're just wrong.
Second, EoT says "Natalie has a fragile ego."
In the very least, this line is hack. Everybody's ego is fragile. That's freshment psychology 101, it's how egos are, it's a feature. It's just saying somebody is being too fragile, and that's an attack on character.
Second, it's fucking mean. It's mean in a general sense. And it's mean in a more personal sense, and I'll tell you why.
I'll mention this later, but I was what I call a first-generation youtube skeptic/atheist. Youtube was founded in 2006, and by 2008, peaking around 2010, we had a thriving group of what the media would call "New Atheists" on youtube. I can drop you a huge list of names, and it's still at most 20% of what was out there. I never made a single video, though I did have a webcam for a short while and regularly hanged out in Stickam with a dozen members of the Rational Response Squad. At first I fell for Pat Condell's shit. I was a big fan of Thunderf00t until his feud with DawahFilms. I apologize to the world. Sincerely. Look, what I want you to take from this is that I've come to be seen as redeemed by many feminists on reddit and beyond, and I think that Natalie is even more redeemable than I. I'm not trying to be a hater. This is constructive criticism.
But also back then, there was Natalie. Under a different channel whose title contains her deadname. I've linked to three different videos on parasocial relationships. Lemme tell you, I've been through 'em. Some that have had intense influence on my daily life, many others not so much. Natalie was, until she started Contrapoints, somewhere in the middle.
From what I've seen over the last 10 years, Natalie has every reason to be sensitive. Fragile, even. I've seen Natalie make meatspace friends with a few of these fellow atheist/skeptics, and they traveled and dined and chilled with one another. They even pulled a couple New Atheist stunts that backfired. Even contributed to a musical collab, which is still funny.
I've seen the community fragment and bubble and burst and burn and mutate. Basically I've watched Natalie lose friends and get hurt, as with many others. And with 10 years of experience, I can look back at old videos where Natalie's old self can be found, and see the unhappiness that she's described.
EssenceOfThought pulling the "fragile ego" line is frankly toxic. EoT only has 2 years of very hard work to look at, and 2 years of public transformation and transition. And EoT seems to assume that the quality of work a youtuber puts out is porportional to how head-above-water they are when it comes to stress levels and strength of will, and wealth of support. And that's wrong.
It's callous. You can't just assume things about people's accumulated life trauma. Calling people fragile as an insult, I've come to find, is morally wrong, because it calls that we celebrate stoic strength as a virtue. And it's always punching down. Every time it's punching down. Looking at somebody who's feeling vulnerable, and going "gross, you're vulnerable!" And EoT has done this despite listening to Natalie talking about a lack of friends in the world. I can't actually name many meatspace acquaintences of hers, much less good friends, besides {Theryn, Olly, Lindsay Ellis, Jenny Nicholson, other people in the few photos with Lindsay and Jenny maybe, Riley and Fiona, Chelsea Manning, Dan Olson, innuendostudios, hbomb...}. Can you? And how long distance most of those are! Almost all of them are expensive-distance. It sucks.
I stopped watching EoT's third video shortly after 8 minutes when they said that, becuase I was just disgusted. And as I said in Chrisiousity's comment section, it looks like a sign to me that in EoT's focus on Natalie the past month, Natalie has evolved in their mind from a popular creator with a specific and powerfully effective flaw, to an outright Adversary, capital-A included. And that's sad. It's the wrong way to go. In early drafts, I refrenced the first two videos because there's a lot of good points made in them. But EoT grows more combative over time and by the third video steps out of line.
Finally realizing what a down-punch the "fragile ego" schtick is, and coming to hate it, just might be the last vestige of being a first-generation youtube atheist/skeptic fan leaving me. I've upvoted this behavior a ton in the past, but I plan to never support it again in the way it's happened here. It's one thing to criticize a political party for being toadies to a man with an actual stereotyped fragile ego, because that's dangerous. It's another to say it to declare a hurt person's vulnerability a crime.
Whatmore, the accusation coudl just as well fit the people he speaks about in the beginning of the video, who lock down their twitter accounts at the mere knowledge that Cancelling was published. Does it just not occur to EoT that Natalie flinches and dodges certain kinds of attacks because she too can predict the punches that come next?

Shutters and Shitters

The first signs I saw that Contrapoints had published her video on cancelling were a number of nonbinary people who I know on Twitter locking their accounts.
How does EoT do youtube? Subscriptions aren't necessarily endorsements. It's like an RSS feed. Does EoT wait for friends to watch and react videos before they watch them? Seems like a good way to always be primed a certain direction.
It's really amazing how different people can act vs. how they see themselves. The cancelling of Natalie on twitter is full of piss and bile, raw hateful reactions and lots of people who have not really read into what they're mad about. But Natalie publishes a video about being hurt by it, and they slam their shutters and nail 2x4's across their doors. EoT has told us they've done this in anticipation to attacks from Natalie's fans. The stans.
The timing EoT describes here indicates that none of these people wish to watch or listen to Natalie's video. They are riding on three claims:
  • There mere existence of Natalie's video is a directive from Natalie to attack nonbinary people.
  • Implying Contrapoints Stans will attack before they've actually watched the video.
  • Admitting that the content of Natalie's videos have nothing to do with her supposed influence?!
Dealing with this takes us on a journey. One I suspect contextualizes a whole lot of problems we're going to see in the rest of the video.

Gamification, cults of personality, stans, armies, and fault.

I need to present these videos:
Like it or not -- see it or not -- youtube and twitter go together in a shit sandwich that has been gamified for toxic consumption by bad players for a decade. Breadtube is a loose coalition of fans who have a common agenda in that they are sick of how the alt-right benefits so much from youtube's algorithm and does so much harm to the world.
The way things have been going, all an alt-right youtuber has to do is make a video where they make personal attacks on a vulnerable channel, and without even having to explicitly order it (though often enough they will), their fans will en masse attack the targeted channel and their friends with repetitive harassment until they're forced off youtube and twitter, even if they have to abuse the reporting system to do so.
That last video by Skeptical Squirrel, an imaginitive parody creation by Kevin Logan, illustrates that despite what they say, alt-right youtubers and other youtube personalities of the reactionary type are completely aware of what they are doing. They are not pretending to order fans around in that video. They are practicing, and celebrating that they can. And when they make followup videos in which they laugh and praise "anonymous" and "uncontrollable" mobs for the way they've attacked the targets of their videos (such as Sargon Of Akkad "laughing" at "weaponize autism"), they are telling their fans that their harassment is good. They are rewarding it.
For years now, whether you're aware of it or not, dear reader, this is how fans come into it on youtube. It is a tacitly constructed facet of youtube fanbases that it is rewarding and expected to harass the perceived enemies of the youtuber. That Skeptical Squirrel video is from January 2017, about harassment Jeff Holiday and Bearing had been consistently ramping up against Kristi Winters for a year and beyond.
People have been saying that Natalie has been instigating harassment campaigns with her videos. And so has EssenceOfThought. I am hereby telling you: We are at a point where one can hardly be a popular youtuber without a massive group of fans behaving this way on your behalf. It takes real work to stop it. But there are definitely ways to tell that a youtuber is not intentionally doing it, and ways to tell that a youtuber is definitely trying not to. I do not see any sign that Natalie wants her stans to do what they do, and I definitely see in her videos that she does not make targets out of anyone.
I say to you all, that if you want to accuse Natalie of instigating harassment campaigns, by necessity with the way EoT talks about Natalie in their videos, EoT would have to be even more guilty. And I do say, regardless of that conditional, that the way EoT speaks is irresponsibly having a boosting effect on the twitter screamers who are witch-hunting Natalie. At 1:20 of this video, EoT says that enby people on twitter are responding to "her presence," and this shit just ain't true. They're anticipating other people attacking them. Which they will do regardless. EoT is equivocating Natalie with these toxic twitters, taking away the twitters' agency and giving it all to Natalie. Beyond bogus.

What has Natalie even done?

The focus is first on her association with Buck Angel. So far, the only things Natalie has done so far are thus:
  1. Receive and repay compliments when she was injured.
  2. Repay further words of kindness with a cameo without vetting.
That's it.

Wildly Disproportionate Response

She has refused to vet after Opulence not only because she (like so many of y'all) doesn't want to see people she's befriended as baddies, but because even if she does, she will receive no forgiveness when she issues an apology, instead receiving a tidal wave of I-told-you-so's and more harassment. They've made it perfectly clear that if Natalie works with anybody even one flaw away from Sainthood, they're going to do it all over again. Let it here be said that if you still want Natalie to disassociate from Buck Angel (and I do), then you must make it so that it's not a lose-lose situation. You can't punish somebody for something, then punish them again for apologizing, and that's clearly what you want to do. You showed it when you went after Lindsay Ellis, Hbomberguy, Philosophytube, and others. Clearly she is unforgiveable in your eyes. It's bullshit. You're assholes that deserve no fucking sympathy when you act this way. You were kicking her and are kicking her when she's down, and Buck wasn't, and that shit matters when you're in that kind of situation as much as it does Natalie. Buck was being better than y'all in the moment. Fuck. Off.
So I have a real problem (one I should've seen from the beginning) when over and over, EoT makes these videos and starts statements, ad nauseum, with "What Natalie is doing is..." It gives the impression that Natalie is out there on social media doing a thousand things. She's not. She's done the 1 thing that she's being cancelled for, the unvetted cameo, and she has not touched her twitter in a couple months. But EoT is making things worse, which makes the title of this video highly ironic. An honest way of going about it would be something like, "So this mistake she's made..." -- and you do need to describe it as a mistake and not a deliberate attack -- "... has had these x, y, and z consequences." It's hyperbolic at best and demonizing at worst when it's "She's doing this" on repeat. That's increasing toxicity in the discourse.
You're not started the fires, EoT, but you've tossed a lot of dry cow patties around. And you can only do this so long before we say yes, you are responsible for the direction a wave goes one of these days soon.

Media illiteracy or just plain propaganda?

As for the people who are hiding from Contrapoints Stans, nonbinary or not, even without the stans around, you'd still have received some backlash. Claiming the pronouns video was attacking nonbinary?? If a hundred people responded with "What the fuck you dumb shit," then tough cookies, because that is ridiculous. That section of the video y'all attacked is exactly the same as the tweet she covers in Cancelling. It had nothing to with binary or nonbinary, had nothing to do with actual validity of trans identity, but instead was about strong vs weak argumentation aimed at cis people. Have you have at some point in your life been discussing politics or scientific ignorance and had somebody bring up, "Well, it seems like this kind of argument doesn't work very well. But when you tell them this thing that way, they start to get it faster." That's what was going on in the video and the twitter conversation.
And then your opinions somehow transformed into thinking that same section of the video was truscum. As if many of you have decided that anything problematic towards nonbinary people is the same as truscum ideology. Sheer nonsense. It's the other way around. All truscum are anti-enby. But not all anti-enby are truscum. There was nothing about transmedicalism in that video no matter how you look at it.
The worst thing the Pronouns video did was not tackle the case of enby perspective. In fact, Natalie went out of her way to make sure people do not confuse the experience she's illustrating as applying to nonbinary folk, by including the modifier, "In a binary world." That's not an attack on enbies. And if she even tried to cover an enby perspective, it's likely you'd attack her for that, too. Lose-lose. That's not valid criticism, and no reason to initiate cancellation. Pro-tip: if everything your enemy can say is wrong, then you too also cannot be right. When everything is evidence of your claim (Opulent Girl Bad!), then nothing is.
As for The Aesthetic, Justine did not win the debate. Just because she got to have a long winded endcap does not mean she was indended as the winner. There's just about nothing to indicate that. Justine's position just needed a lot more words to convey. You may be used to upvoting and reposting videos where the protagonist "wins" a debate by having a long Final Attack on the antagonist that makes them sit down in shame. But you should be able to tell from Natalie's videos and tweets alike that she doesn't operate that way. You need to up your media competence, and ditch the prejudice against Natalie that has to exist to even make the erroneous leap in interpretation that you made.
So why would Natalie do anything different in this current situation? The same people who are attacking her for associating with Buck Angel are also the ones witch-hunting her based off of lies about her videos. I think you can see how one can easily begin to think that some of the claims of emotional injury caused by her videos are falsified.
And don't think I'm saying Contrapoints stans aren't a problem. They are. The people who hate enbies have swarmed to this bucket of chum fore sure. Some of them are attacking me because I want honest depictions of flaws of EoT's videos and I'm not willing to unsee Buck Angel's shittery just because they think doing so would make Natalie feel better and provide us all with a new golden shower, er, golden egg, er, video. Oh yes. There is indeed too many Contrapoints fans who've decided that they need to whitewash Buck Angel so they can kiss Natalie's ass, and part of doing that is attacking Buck's critics, which has indeed become an attack on nonbinary people themselves. Because this is how parasocial relationships evolve when the detached personality fills a very real need on the side of the consumer. Especially on youtube, where as I've said fanships enter into the situation with assumptions about how detractors are to be treated. Then everybody plays Not My Nigel.
Natalie isn't instigating, and she's not a "force of destruction." The force existed before her. If it wasn't Natalie, it'd be somebody else. It'd be more people like Blaire White, Shoe0nHead, Jaclyn Glenn, etc. I mean how the fuck has Blaire White become background noise in this obsession with Natalie Wynn. Blaire's the one that makes series of truscummy attacks on people.
Imagine thinking Natalie is inspiring more of these attacks on enbies than Blaire white. I can't. But you're doing it. Yer doin it, peter! Yer doin it! Go get that dastardly Captain Wynn Hook.
But I don't want to attack nonbinary people for being nonbinary. I want to rebuke some people who're the real culprits of toxicity.

We are in a wicked hive of scum and villainy.

Like I said, EoT calls Natalie
"...a force of destruction, all intention aside."
First of all, when you say "what she's doing" all the time, you're pretty well implying there's lots of intent.
Second, gosh, does this line sound famliar. Where's the last place I heard it? Oh yeah. When Lily Orchard attacked the Pronouns video as anti-enby and pro-truscum: "Glass of Water: Natalie Whinging" And it also reminds me of something.
Natalie has been made into a villain. No, really, that's what's happened with EoT's progression and with their phrasing. Since I've already used Extra Credits once, I'll do it again. Does it seem a little off, maybe a little condescending to compare these video essays to video game design? Maybe. But it's not wrong. Expository and argumentitive essays require world-building, it's part of the job. Me, Natalie, EoT, everybody.
EoT can't seem to make up their mind about what kind of villain they perceive Natalie to be. They actually said "force of nature," but the thing about force-of-nature villains (FONV) is they are a symptom of the system. Attacking them directly and holding them personally responsible for groups of people harmed is short-term good at best, and tacitly endorsing the system at worst. It's pointless to do just play whack-a-mole with individual FONV. Example: Trump. So why focus so much on Natalie and not the online community that is splitting over her videos on interpretations of them that are clearly a combination of error and invention? Going after the boss baddie is what you do when you have a narrative villain. EoT seems to think knocking Natalie off the stage will lead naturally to some end. There's a hidden teleology to it. And I don't think it goes where EoT thinks it does.
What we're seeing here is a system of discourse in which a person can be scapegoated for cycles of back-and-forth attacks as if they caused it, when in reality those cycles are automatic. A key in an ignition got twisted, but it wasn't Natalie who dun it and it sure doesn't make sense to point at her every time you don't like that the motor is still running.

Half a millenium in Natalie's mind

20 years ago in a human lifespan is a long time. It's not really doing any good to harp on Natalie for thinking so. EoT makes Natalie's argument against 20-years-back research as some kind of vapid and malicious thing, but it's not. Natalie argues against doing 20 years into Buck's past based on three possible points, and you'll find some over the span of the video and her recent appearances in the media such as her interviews by NPR, and The Hill's Krystal Ball (both of which I am sure were published while EoT was in post-production or after publication); a couple we can think of ourselves:
  1. People change so much in 20 years it's like attacking a different person.
  2. 20 years ago she was a child, and she wouldn't want somebody to do this to her. It would feel like endorsing the same be done to her.
  3. If somebody has genuinely changed, repented -- even if only in private -- then it's like double jeopardy.
  4. The majority of the time when we see somebody digging that far into the past for dirt, it's done for malicious reasons and serves deceptive purposes. Given the strawmen used to attack Natalie, it doesn't seem like the request for her to do so is in good faith, nor what has been presented by those attacking herself. The pattern of bad faith attacks on Natalie do not lend to trusting that the accusations against Buck are in good faith; they seem as disproportionately powered by gossip as anything else in the 2 years of attacks on her. So, it seems prudent to refuse humoring them.
  5. If the victims don't want want to bring it up, it's an invasion of their privacy as well. We'd have to ask them directly because evidence is scant. Sometimes you have to respect when the victim doesn't want to re-live trauma.
In order to have a good case, one has to argue against each of these in turn. Which EoT does not. All we get is "I don't give a fuck." So allow me to present the arguments.
  1. Buck was in his 40's when this went down. 40 year olds are well established generally, and Buck had already established his identity long before, beginning medical procedures at 28, and soon felt his transition was complete. Read his wiki. Analyzing the pathology of habits requires going back long distances in time no matter how proportionally large that time leap seems. If a wrongdoing done recently is the same kind of wrongdoing done long ago, then it's relevant, long ago or not.
  2. It's quite a human thing to forget important differences in the lives of people we've recently befriended, especially when we're hurt. We can only offer our personal promise to not do that, and discourage others from doing so.
  3. Buck has ever faced real consequences or learned.
  4. We can only offer our personal promise we are not doing that, and discourage others.
  5. Fine then. There's more than enough readily-available material to cancel him anyways.
See how that's reasoned and compassionate argumentation? Much better than "I don't give a fuck."
You can't argue justice from "I don't give a fuck," EoT.
Notice though that there were counter arguments people probably are making that I refuse to.
I will not dismiss #2 on the basis of being an appeal to emotion, because it's not one. Bullies argue that their behavior is justified by implied permissions, and I will not enable it. I will not signal to them that it's justified or excusable.
Also...

Buck's past IRL victims have not consented and IT IS NOT OK

I will not argue that invading the privacy of and subjecting the victims to reliving their traumas is necessary for the greater good, that the needs of the many (other for future victims) outweigh the needs of the few (which happen to be the ones I want to re-traumatize for my vendetta). One of my early favorite feminists Amanda Marcotte once made this mistake and argued that police were correct to arrest a woman and force her to testify in a trial against her rapist. Yes, this did happen to a real rape victim. She recanted and changed her mind after fellow Feministing contributor Alexandra Brodsky wrote the following article. Bold emphasis is from me:
edit: actually I've decided to try and using reddit's 'code' markup to change the font/background/spacing of what I want to highlight. - nevermind on that, I forgot what it does to linebreaks.
PUNISHING SURVIVORS WON’T STOP SEXUAL VIOLENCE
Earlier this week, the Daily News reported that a Cowlitz County, Washington survivor of an alleged kidnapping and sexual assault, perpetrated by her ex-boyfriend and an accomplice, was jailed when she refused to cooperate with the prosecutors on the case. The story didn’t rise to the forefront of feminist news until feminist writer Amanda Marcotte wrote a defense of the decision, arguing that the County did what it had to do to stop future violence.
The Cowlitz County case is awful, and I disagree with Marcotte’s conclusion, but neither is really an aberration from how we view criminal justice and victimhood. Two worrying parts of Marcotte’s piece implicate our larger national conversation about sexual violence: we mistakenly think survivors are irrational girls rather than agents navigating impossible obstacles – but, simultaneously, that they have more responsibility to us than we have to them.
[heading:]Confused girls
Running through Marcotte’s piece is a common threads I hear in discussions of survivors of intimate partner: a belief that the abused are irrational. We see this assumption in the pathologization of “battered women’s syndrome,” where survivors’ self-defense is understood as a symptom of delusion. We see it in the patronizing explanations of “why they stay” that talk about women (always women) untethered from reality, tumbling without agency through cycles of abuse. We see it, too, in Marcotte’s characterization of the victim’s relationship with the defendant as a sort of blinder, distorting her view of the violence and so discouraging her from working with the prosecutors:
Research shows that a victim’s refusal to cooperate with a prosecution is more about her relationship to the abuser. In this particular case, the victim has a long-standing history with one of her attackers, which suggests that she probably doesn’t see this in the same way that someone kidnapped and assaulted by complete strangers would. While there are some interventions that can help reduce the problem of victims who recant out of these complex feelings, there’s no silver bullet of counseling that will get all victims to see things the way prosecutors want them to.
We don’t know if the survivor in this particular case was abused by her ex-boyfriend when they were together, so the analogy to research on intimate partner violence may not be relevant here at all. But the rhetoric is nonetheless eerily similar – and similarly destructive. Of course we hope victims leave and, if desired, take action to ensure their future safety and to hold their abusers accountable. But to pretend that survivors stay or refuse to cooperate with the police only because of “complex feelings” simultaneously ignores the very real restraints on their freedom and denies them the agency they’ve maintained.
Manipulation and emotional abuse can create undeniable psychological barriers to leaving or seeking help. These obstacles are no less real because they are not tangible; though they are complex and they are intimately felt, Marcotte’s characterization of these burdens as “complex feelings” belies their nearly physical weight. But we also must recognize the undeniable material barriers survivors face. For example, abuse often renders survivors financially dependent on their abusers (we can’t know if the survivor was dependent on he boyfriend in this case, but we do know she is now homeless). And a trademark of relationship abuse is isolation – as a result of the abuse, survivors often don’t have friends or family to whom they feel they can turn for help. To make matters worse, abusers often charm those closest to the victim, so that those who do reach out for support or who pursue prosecution are often met with disbelief and anger from those they love. Tragically, in these situations, the decision to stay or to forgo legal intervention may be the result of an impossible, but by no means irrational, calculus. The options and risks are unjust, but the agent isn’t erased.
We urgently need to change that calculus. It is essential that we provide professional and community services to help victims of IPV leave abusive relationships. That work is so important precisely because the restraints on survivors are more than just “feelings” — whether psychological or material barriers, they are very, very real.
So, too, are the reasons why most survivors don’t trust the criminal justice system to help them out. As I’ve written about previously, those who report to the police are more likely to find insensitivity or harassment than a conviction: is it really such a shocker that victims don’t want to cooperate with a system willing to lock them up, to criminalize their survival? Plus, while I definitely know some survivors comfortable with the prison system, others see incarceration as just another iteration of the violence they work to end.
Maybe victims don’t “see things the way prosecutors want them to” because they aren’t blind to the violence in their communities and in our criminal justice system that, yes, complicate the decision to cooperate with the prosecution of your ex. We should talk about what responses to interpersonal violence would look like in our feminist state, but that’s not the conversation we’re having here. Now we’re talking about how real people navigate real choices. And we can’t pretend real obstacles don’t exist.
[heading:]You owe us
Marcotte writes that “always erring on the side of victim sensitivity means putting some very bad men back out on the streets, where they will likely attack someone else.” I 100% agree that stopping perpetrators can help prevent future violence, which is one of the reasons I think it’s so important to provide survivors with safe, trauma-responsive accountability processes. The calculus, though, doesn’t have to boil down to us vs. her, our safety weighed against her comfort, because robust responses to violence centralize support for survivors as a collective responsibility that promotes the common good.
On the most basic level: I thought we’d been over this before: violence is caused by the violent, not short skirts or alcohol or confusion or, at least of all, victims. We usually talk about victim-blaming as putting the responsibility not to get raped on potential victims, rather than potential perpetrators. However, we see a similar logic in the insistence that it’s survivor’s job to stop violence against others, even at the expense of their own healing and safety. If they won’t make that sacrifice, we’re prepared to punish them. As much as the U.S. criminal justice system likes to pretend it can distinguish between imprisonment as punishment and imprisonment as logistical aid (see: pretrial detention), all time spent behind bars is punitive.
Also, even if you buy the carceral logic that prisons are our great hope, locking up survivors who report won’t help the courts catch rapists. As Melissa McEwan wrote at Shakesville, “If we’re really concerned about preventing future assaults, then we have to foremostly make it safe for multiple survivors to report—and publicly revictimizing one survivor in this way stands to discourage multiple victims from reporting. That is bigger than even this one rapist.” McEwan’s point rejects Marcotte’s belief that the interests of survivors and interests of the broader community are in tension: we are only safe as a whole when we support survivors. It is only then that victims can come forward and give us the chance to hold perpetrators accountable.
Stepping back, I resent the way this issue has been framed, both in media and private discussions, as one of individual vs. collective safety – as though survivors are unwilling to talk due to some deep selfishness – not only because its wrong but because it distracts us from the communal duty we’re so eager to ignore. Of course any feminist resistance to violence requires collective responsibility for the collective good. But our first question here should be what we, as a community, can do to support a survivor – not what the survivor should do to help us. What local structures can we set up to provide care to those who need it? How can we create safe opportunities for survivors to come forward? What community responses to harm can we build to hold abusers accountable in a country that has abandoned victims to a broken criminal justice system? Let’s talk about what we can do, rather than what any given survivor owes us.
Here’s the thing about violence: it’s hard to stop. That’s scary. I find it terrifying that we really, truly have not yet found ways to stop assault or abuse, or structures to respond to this violence when it occurs. I understand why many hold on to our belief in the criminal justice system when there aren’t alternatives onto which we can comfortably fall. I understand why we want to believe we live in a country where a victim would of course want to cooperate with prosecutors. I understand the temptation to count conviction rates and the clang of prison doors shutting closed like beads on a rosary, the comfort of pieces moving regularly, as they should, as though we’re going somewhere better. But when the methodical plodding ends with a survivor of violence in jail for choosing to deal with trauma on her own terms, perhaps its time we lose a little faith and rise up to do some good.
Now. Buck did not rape anybody. We are talking about the victims of invasion of privacy and public denegration. But this article says a lot.
I said in a youtube comment section that Buck deserves to get vetted "all the way back" because he considers himself a leader. And I'm ashamed to say that until I was writing those 5 arguments against digging up the dirty specifics on that divorce drama, I hadn't thought of this stuff either.
Nobody has asked Lana Wachowsky or her wife. They're not talking about it. And if they don't want to talk about it, then.. what? If you force that information out into the day, EoT, then you are punishing her. You are re-traumatizing them to fit your purpose.
Think about that. Look what this has become. The more you harp on Buck's marriage, the more likely somebody's going to violate that privacy and, dare I say, terrorize those two women with their personal lives, probably their doxx too, going public. Stochastic terrorism much? People have probably already tried to contact these people on social media. It's probably already started. They want to leave it behind and now y'all won't let them.
Can you really say you're doing this for the sake of victims?
Officially: the "investigation" into Buck Angel's divorce must stop right now.
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